Back to (jump) school

There is a buzz around the neighbourhood. Could it be that school is starting or maybe it’s the new speed limits for school zones?

In River Park South, the Samuel Burland school zone speed limit will be reduced to 30 km/h. Signage will clearly identify the beginning and end of the zone of reduced speed.

Obviously the school zone speed of 50 km/h has been culling our community’s herd of wee ones and therefore it needs reduction.

Speed kills, so you will now have to drop your vehicle’s tail hook to grab a road arrester cable that will rapidly reduce your speed like a jet on an aircraft carrier.

I suggested to my neighbour over drinks that speed should be reduced even further. An even lower speed would further reduce the death toll around schools. I also suggested the government could implement jump zones at schools. The area in front of the school could be used to allow students to jump from slow-moving vehicles.

Please suspend judgement and hear me out…

School zones have never been designed in favour of dropping off the kids. You have to park a kilometre up the street to be outside the cone barriers and then you have to watch your child disappear into a blinding snow storm, hoping he or she makes it to the door. Spiritual entity forbid you pull into the parking lot or drop the kids off right in front of the school. The yellow fluorescent schoolmarm will be on you like a Manitoba mosquito or worse yet, writing your plate number up for the authorities to handle later.

If jump zones are introduced, schools could offer parents jump-training packages as homework. (Remember, school is starting so that means homework starts again.) Under a parent’s watchful eye, the student completes a test to earn a jump boots badge. Kids always like earning badges. Just think of the benefits for school buses. Being pragmatic, I appreciate that a few unfortunates will be lost in training. This could be attributed to Darwinism.

Jump zone pick up would be similar to the mail hook system used by the railroads. You just drive by and snag your kid from the curb. There is a risk of snatching the wrong kid but maybe your kid will go to a home where he or she has to eat something he doesn’t like or go hungry.

I haven’t done any research on my ideas and I don’t have any statistics to support the notion that school zone safety will improve with a further-reduced speed limit or a jump zone. Then again, the speed reduction to 30 km/h is also weak in that area also.