I thought with age came wisdom and other good things. I thought I would know more, be more, have more.
I never imagined I would have to deal with zits and grey hair at the same time or insecurities and varicose veins. I didn’t know that even in adulthood much of the world functions like it did when we were in grade seven. Should I have things all put together by now?
I find myself at this unusual age, neither aged nor youthful. I don’t know where to shop, I’m too old for this store – I don’t want to dress like my daughters do (perhaps more accurately, I’m sure they do not want me to dress as they do!) but I’m too young to go in to that store – I don’t want to dress like my mother does either (no offence Mom).
I used to think things were black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. But I don’t know anymore, suddenly grey is covering more and more topics and situations.
While I find I can have more stuff – we have more time and money and opportunities than at any other time in our lives, suddenly I find myself not wanting more – in fact I want less, much less. I want to declutter, get rid – SHED. It’s like the reverse of nesting. It’s de-nesting I guess.
I find myself questioning things I was previously sure of. And at the same time unquestioning of others things, that I don’t want to be challenged with. As physicist and Nobel Prize recipient Richard Feyman says, “I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I’m not absolutely sure about anything.” Yeah – that’s just how I feel!
For the first time in my life, I don’t care if I’m accepted, perceived as doing the right thing or am pleasing everyone else. It’s weird in a wonderful sort of way.
My kids have noticed that something has shifted with their Mom. I laugh when I realize what has happened. It’s the exact same thing I remember noticing a number of years back with my Mom. She made me into her and then she changed. What?! I know I have done the same thing. I have created little mini-me’s and I can feel myself changing. Oops.
All this to say… I have no idea. I kind of wondered if it’s just me going through this?
All that has happened is that I seem to be more confused than ever and at the same time more sure. Is this wisdom? If it is, it’s not what I thought it would be.
Your thoughts are so welcome, contact Stephanie@yourlifeunlimited.ca